Well the cheap Charging cable for the iPad gave up working. I now have a new registered product and hence a recharged device. So a post.
The title states my state of mind really at present.
What’s been happening? Lots. Not a lot I can remember some bits but not others.
I may repeat things said previously.
On the positive side;
– I get up each day willingly
– I usually get outside for some of the day
– I have attended three meetings with local depression support group
– I have spoken to a professional about careers in outdoor pursuits/ field study education
– I travelled to see Mum in Kent when she was ill
– I collected my sister from the airport so that she did not have to travel alone to Kent after flights from New Zealand
– I sketch / take photographs most days
There have been more, especially linked to being honest with GP, Headteacher, family, friends about how I am doing.
A) who am I?
I am finding it hard to identify myself from Mr Knill / Sir who I have been from 1988 to 2016. That status exists in the minds and hearts of many I have taught and I thank them for their comments and encouragement especially on Facebook. I put so much of myself into my role as an educator who cared. Coming out the other side is hard especially as it wasn’t planned and I have no clarity going forwards.
B) what am I?
I am a former teacher to be; I am a dad; a husband; a son in law; a sibling; a child; an incomer… This is intrinsically linked with the above. Am I needed? Has been the type of question I have posted online? Am I just a burden? As a friend I would tell others no you are not, as I try to support them, reverse that and I find it harder to accept support but it is nice to read.
C) why am I?
Yes I have had a miserable time since moving to Dorset, I have also had some fantastic times. I have gone from the deepest of lows to actually feeling positive about myself occasionally. I have considered life itself and if I am worthy, I have self harmed and clawed at my own wrists with fingernails, a new first and something I am resisting doing again. I have lost my mother (rip) 6 days after I last saw her. I believe I have a potential future but I have no clue what it maybe, I now have some ideas of what it can’t be as I have already considered some alternative futures only to find that they won’t offer me the balance of life I desperately need.
What I hope are universal conclusions:
– I have a chance to build a new future in Dorset
– I live in an area I love for its outdoor space and potential activities, especially getting out in the fresh air
– I have Anne’s support
– I deserve to live
– I suffer from depression and anxiety and my admission and openness helps other people in some way as well as not letting me hide away
– I have many friends made through a number of routes who believe the above
– I should take my life one step at a time
– life for me is going to include trip ups, challenges, obstacles that I can overcome
So overall, who I am, what I am and why I am are there in my head but it is a head that has time and opportunity to explore them and find out some answers. For me at this point that is a huge step in the right direction.