Tag Archives: suicidal thoughts

Trying to relax

Well it will be a week tomorrow since I broke down in school in tears, then was allowed to leave early to go home. I didn’t, I drove and drove, how could I be amongst those I loved, I felt like I had failed. Thoughts ran through my head, some were self destructive, some meant driving on and on. I really did not know what to do.

Six days on, I have resigned from my post as an offer of help that had been “delayed” had caused even more dismay. I can not stand in a classroom again, in fact at the moment my mood lurches like a subterranean rollercoaster, occasionally it surfaces briefly before plunging back into another dark, dank tunnel. I have managed to get out and explore the local beaches and countryside. I have walked, raked and carried leaves to the compost heap/pile.  I have seen the sun rise. I have seen my GP and share all that the last 10 weeks have included, depression and anxiety and no I am not in any state to be with a class. 

I have taken many photos on my phone, sketched a few times and chatted online with colleagues new and old, friends online, ex pupils, family. Many positive things have been said about my contribution to their lives and I thank them for sharing. It proves that I have made many great and good contributions and I am glad that they reinforced this for me. 

Monday morning came and I realised that I missed my routine, but most of all, even in half a term I had formed bonds with individuals and classes and I miss them already. So now I have to let go, relax and release the teacher, it’s hard after 157 half terms, it’s inbuilt.

I am going to blog as my journey to non teacher or will I always be teacher just not practising?