I awoke at 06:30 in a slight panic and need to escape my dream, not the first time and I am quite sure not my last since I left teaching I have quite frequently had bad dreams about me failing in classrooms / teaching because of Poor discipline or breaking down mentally / emotionally. I have left, I am not going back to a classroom ever again because I know I have lost / used up all my mental resilience. I find myself talking to visitors to my art studio at the moment about my mental health ran out, came to the end of its tether.
My brain/ memories however won’t let go. I had the messages of support from ex pupils and colleagues. I k ow that most of the time I did a good if not excellent job but no more. That last statement still saddens me as I came out because I fell apart for a range of cumulative reasons.
Please do not offer me spiritual / religious belief based answers to my dreams because I will not be able to cope with such theories.
In reflecting, I realise how quickly I feel on edge in situations where I feel I have let others down. I must allow myself some space, forgiveness and aim to let go of things and thoughts, but it is not proving easy. Since I started essentially a new direction in my life officially on January 1st 2017 I have had several crises of confidence. However, at the same timeI can recognise that I have had many successes from:
– Glimpses of Brilliance (GOB) diary – loads of positives on most days
– I can do and am indeed more than “teacher”
– I can cope with things not working, mainly
– peace and quiet are actually pleasurable and I do not always have to be doing
Many thanks to those who continue to be supports and / or reach out. Some people. I have met in 2017 have found it odd to hear that I have mental health issues, but I can assure them that side will become apparent at times.