Sunday afternoon I visited the gym as planned and did a workout, several things I tried I couldn’t sustain as my focus was limited to about 7 or 8 minutes. My mind is jumpy at the moment.
My advice is to forget about work, it is for me something I find extremely difficult as I probably have far too much of me invested especially after carrying things last year. Monday morning started flat to good, I managed a few minor tidy / organisation jobs. Each one was a short task so focus was ok. I had Spotify playing in background. I then attempted some sketching from old photos of mine now available through Google photos albums. But the sketching would not settle, I was unable to commit / focus. I did some doodles, self reflected and a task I had considered wrote some key words / points about work difficulties but didn’t try to analyse. Then, in my wisdom, thought quick peek at work email just to be aware of what’s happening at an arm’s length idea. Fine until decided to look at borough job pages – interesting to see what schools were posting locally – often been a discussion starter with ex colleagues before about how things are. So there is a post for a lead geography practitioner at my school… . It was like I was standing on a tablecloth and a magician had whisked it away from under my feet and my mood plummeted. I fired an email off to the contact person and welfare contact. The latter got back to me almost immediately, part of a longer term plan, that reassured me that I wasn’t under threat as I had indicated I was afraid. However, different to previous plans going forward. That reply seemed to calm me. I went to make some lunch – I was shaking, my arms were difficult to settle. I had agreed I would go for a walk or to the gym but now did not want to be outside or around people. I retreated to the sofa initially and watched snippets of programmes again settling to anything was almost impossible. By 4pm I needed to retreat and rest. I cried myself to sleep and woke later and spent a neutral to low evening with the family.
What have I learnt, now a new day has started?
– do NOT go into school email system – leave until I have been approved to return
– days can change – see how my mind and body feel
– try to let go of this guilt ( see previous posts )
– try to “just be”
Tuesday, a flatter start, looked at own mail (NOT work). Switched devices back off, hopefully a trip to IKEA later to look at flat pack ideas for book storage. Maybe a gym session this morning but distraction and endorphin release as much as anything else. Fired off this post as a reflection point and sort of self admission.
Now some of you like some previous colleagues will question why I blog these things, they are on the web, anyone could read them. This blog represents me, I have problems with mental health but I also do so many positive things too. See I know there are good aspects that I can regain, after all it’s only a few weeks since I travelled down to Hampshire and shared teaching ideas with other teachers. My sketching for relaxation through programmes like #teacher5aday has inspired a half term homework project on sketching for others to join in after showing friends what it has done for me. My blog posts are like a diary of sorts or a notebook, if you don’t approve, don’t read, it’s that simple.