Dear Eldest Son
Well, my first letter to you has sparked many responses from people online from many countries – it has reminded me how much we love you. Seeing you last week reinforced the difficulty of pulling back from one we love so much. At the same time your recent behaviour towards others is new and scary, but on some levels you have shown an awareness.
Last night you shared your latest new and diagnosis. Mum and I shouldn’t have but couldn’t help but get onto the web and research what it meant and where you may be accommodated.
The diagnosis makes a lot of sense after Mum read out many of the features of a combination of A and B (I am not sharing diagnosis here, not at the moment anyway). Then the possible placement, it started to make sense too, and nearer for visiting – see we really can’t let you go, nor do we want too.
We switched our machines off and watched some TV to take our minds off it – we are learning gradually. I went to bed ready to sleep. I woke recently from a nightmare, I could not face a class, I assume covering as pupils I had not met before. Emotionally I just crumpled and needed to call for assistance.
There is my dilemma this morning, can I teach today? I have had the wracking sobs, lying in the dark. So my solution? Write a theoretical letter to you – my new outlet. Headphones on, Spotify with new discovery Clean Bandit – cheerful music fusion in my ears, cool breeze from wide open window on my shoulders.
I do not want my BD fug to descend, yes I am going to fight it. I am going to work, writing to you has helped me decide. But, I will tell my managers about my dilemma and I will take it an hour at a time because today I will be teetering on the edge when I meet teenagers who don’t know about the sort of hardships that you are going through, a time when being a teacher and father Is hard, very hard.
I love you, I want to envelope you in a big Dad bear hug, I may not want to let you go, I may cry, it hurts seeing you going through this. But one thing I hang onto is that you are safe, cared for and receiving support -‘just engage with it because I want to see you leading an independent life in the future. After all you are only 18, life has so much to offer yet.