The gift that keeps on giving … Visit day

Dear Eldest son… A post which many read and commented on. Well today was visit day. It had built into almost a mental block, would we be strong enough to visit? How would it go? What would it feel like…

Well, to be honest the whole experience itself wasn’t the devil it had become in my mind – what we can accept in the name of parenthood. A new system to learn and possibly reuse in the years to come as I feel that is a strong possibility.

The time span involved can be shortened by knowing when to book in, take time before being called to stage 2 of the visit procedure. What can you take in / leave behind; declarations to sign; I got two wrist bands – one for visiting and one so I could get out as a non-inmate of a male prison.

Grateful for our visit, but the realisation that after an hour of visiting that mention the slightest issue linked to “his” connections with others and the verbals start, the threats, the “I know people…”, how he will resolve matters in the future. We left feeling that this would just be phase one. He is not ready to change, not yet, he knows best…

We know this is not the example we have given him, our way of doing things was not exciting, it involved working for things. Yet still, this is my son and I feel at a loss of how this could have come out differently. We haven’t given up, but we have less and less in common.

Tiredness and low mood have claimed a lot of my non working time these last few weeks, maybe now I can start to rise again. My mind is still jumbled at the moment but I am going to resist him bringing me down again, but it’s hard, very hard.

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3 responses to “The gift that keeps on giving … Visit day

  1. You know brother….

    In the end we are ALL responsible for our choices and paths in life.

    This despite our lots and lumps in life. I often find myself going back to the survivors of the Holocaust in times like this.

    It always seems to snap me back into reality allowing me to remove myself from the pit of self-pity, denial and overall un-believability of a seemingly hopeless situation.

    Not to detract from your plight and pain but we are all in the end as free-people unlike the Holocaust victims responsible unto ourselves.

    I hope you find peace and acceptance in this thatch of pain and bewilderment with your son. I truly do…

  2. I have learned so much from you over the last 3 years of connecting with you online. First of all from a Geography perspective, then about SOLO and finally but most significantly on a personal level. Your honesty is compelling, and it is only fair that I am honest in return. The letter to your son had tears in my eyes this evening (apologies for how far behind I was in my blog reading!) and I cannot even imagine what it has been like for your family. Thank you so much for continuing to share the struggle so openly. It must be helpful for someone somewhere going through similar now or in future. I only hope that I can be as honest and give so much of myself to help others as you do.

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