I have seen @teachertoolkit use this hashtag recently and in his video for #sltcamp about #goalpostshifters. Well, a bad week or two or … I can’t remember to be honest. My depression is back and I have cried myself to sleep, hugged pillows,teddy bears and felt my mood go up near the roof and then crash right down to earth sometimes over a few days sometimes within seconds. Yes, I feel guilty, but at present this roller coaster I am living means I can not be in front of classes. Do I seek sympathy? No. So the doc agrees that I am ill. For the third time in 2013 I will try a different medication dosage and I hope that this time there are no side effects as previously.
So I am ill, so why feel guilty? Because I do not work in a job on my own. I am a member of several teams, it is to those team colleagues that I feel guilt, to the pupils who I would like to be teaching, encouraging. What next? Since Tuesday of this week (26/11) I have questioned whether I should still teach, move positions, move out of teaching. In 5 days I have despaired that maybe 25 years and one term is my limit. That the classroom is no longer where I should be. But, gradually each day I have had lucid moments where I have been able to think more logically.
I am a teacher.
I am a good teacher, I have my outstanding moments, and my lows too.
I strive to find new ways to move on with my practice and the experience for my pupils through a lot of time and energy invested outside what is already a demanding job.
I love learning and Iove to share that in: the classroom, the staffroom, the teachmeet, the Twitter timeline or #chat, the blogposts.
I am so grateful to friends and colleagues who have chatted with me by phone, e-mail, tweets(DMs) this week.
Yes,I want to continue, but am I kidding myself? To be honest I do not know and therein lies the crunch. if I could “snap out of it”, “pick myself up” I would but it is not that easy. Is my experience still of value in an education system that seems to favour youth over experience?
To be frank this post is rhetorical,a starting point I have returned to. The answer has always been to return to the classroom thus far, will it be this time ….. Time will tell.
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